Watching Paint Dry...

Literally. Well, I'm upstairs, killing time as the paint downstairs dries.  This weekend was productive!  Got the painting well over 65% done; a second coat on my hallway, and all I'll have left is the dining room. Carpet ripped up,  cement board on the wall, cement curing. Right now, I'm just waiting to continue to work.  Realized I hadn't updated in a week, so I figured I would. Though my romantic outlook of the past week is, actually, like watching paint dry. Forgive me.

No, my social life hasn't been taking off, with me spending the last three days ( four if you include today) doing home renos. Thursday I had some charity work to do, and wednesday I was at work late as well. So, I've had last monday and tuesday.... and nothing has happened.  Not really.

Chatting with a couple guys online.  Both of them want to meet, but I'm not 100% sold on them, or doing the whole first date thing. I'm currently feeling exhausted and tired, and really don't have enough left in my tank to try to start a relationship with someone I don't know.  I don't think I'm going to continue my subscription with the site after it runs out at the end of June.  We'll see.

So I get back, the kid from course is messaging me a little bit, just on facebook, commenting on my status updates. He's put a couple updates, saturday was " I really wish I was somewhere else right now", and it wasn't home, as per comments after. Then, yesterday it was something about " really missing..." someone.  I really hope that's not about me. I mean, gosh, how conceited am I? I highly doubt that's about me.

I found out a guy from work wants to date me. He's new, I've met him for about 10 minutes total. He's funny,  not bad looking ( had a beard, now he doesn't... and though I'm not a fan of beards, I think he looks better with one than not)  I told his friend I'm not going to comment on that, cause apparently this guy doesn't know I've been told, but he was "really sincere about it". That was coming from, none other than, Playboy. Strike one: I work with him. Strike two: he's friends with Playboy.  Probably thinks I'm an easy lay or something.

On the plus side, I haven't heard from my three terrible  mistakes in all this time.  POMH left a weird comment on my  page ( someone else had posted something, and he commented on it), but when I left a witty reply, he didn't respond... weird. No big deal though.

Oh, and its not romance involved, but allow me to brag. I got a commendation from my boss at that charity event on Thursday. Made me sound way better than I actually am, but he mentioned all the work I did last summer that I never got any real credit for, so that was nice.  For as much as its worth. 

When it rains, it pours

 I'm back from that course I had to take. It wasn't very hard, just a great deal of work.

So, about a week and a half after I get there, I get a text... from Sam. Asking if I'm back from my trip yet. I was like "yeah, about a month ago, now I'm away again" then he mentions that we should catch a drink together when I'm back home, and makes reference to us making out. At which point I stop him and ask him how he jumps so quickly to that, after not talking to me for a month ( or more) He gave a half hearted apology, and then I didn't hear from him again.

Then, right after that, Jock messages me and asks me why I didn't let him know I was in the area.  Whoah... for one, I'm a couple hours away. For two, I told you nothing was happening between us again, for three, you didn't seem to care about seeing me again a year ago. I didn't say that, I told him that I didn't think about it, I was busy with the course and I didn't think he would drive that far to see me anyways. He said he would, then we got talking about how I might be in the area later for different training, and suddenly he forgets what we're talking about. WTF? he has done that before, and said its cause he deletes his messages after he sends them. One problem with that explanation ass-hole.  Facebook shows you the previous messages after you receive or send one to the person who's conversation you had previously deleted.  I told him to never mind and left it at that, to be honest.  WTF?

Oh, my room mate on course, also knows Vinnie, and guess what? He IS a major dirt bag, its not just me. He got married last summer, and apparently he's already slept with 7 or 8 women other than his wife. And he's in hot water for fraud and... whew, thank god I  dodged that bullet.

There were a couple cute guys on my course. Most of them were dicks. Like married/engaged/seriously committed and totally picking up random, different girls nearly every night. Why do they bother with relationships if they're going to do that?  I ended up getting along with one guy, but he's engaged, and he's actually a really good guy, he'd be perfect if he wasn't across the country and engaged... :P

There was one guy who had a thing for me. He was a young one though, 24, sweet and innocent seeming.  Not sure if that was an act, but  a couple people told me he liked me, and I had even figured it out on my own. Nothing was going to happen, cause he's not my type, we work for the same company and its a long distance thing.  One of the guys from here, my friend, sorta ( when he's not being a dick head) tried to convince him to make a move apparently. Thank god he didn't. We shared a hotel room ( separate beds) on the way home, watched a movie before hitting the hay, I might have been a little short with him, but I didn't want him getting any ideas. Poor kid, he seems like a nice guy. Hopefully he meets a nice girl.

So where does that leave me? Home, dealing with some different shit on my personal life end. Might be moving, my condo board decided that after three years ( and I own my own place) my dog doesn't meet these standards I've never seen before. So he's at my parents, and I'm going to be doing some renos on my free time. ( not that there will be much of that. I've got a lot to do with work, I know it.)

Oops, I'm late

Woah, not in that way. Besides,  that would be an immaculate conception. I think I'm nearing or on my 1 year anniversary of not having sex.  Some times I really want it, other times I don't care.  Usually end up wanting it about the time that my batteries are low. haha. Waiting 15 minutes for them to charge sucks! Specially on a busy schedule.

I digress, however. I didn't post last night. I was meaning to, but by the time I had a free moment I was absolutely exhausted and about an hour overdue for my bed time.  So, I went to bed, got up and went to work.  One week left till I go on course for three weeks, in purgatory. The place that isn't bad but isn't good. You just sort of exist in limbo till you can leave.

What happened between Thursday and today? Well, friday was work as per normal, got home and then met my family for dinner and a sports game. It was good fun and a good end to a hectic week.

Saturday I went out with my friend, and we went for a nice 10.2 km hike.  The day was sunny and gorgeous, with spring finally here, and we stopped half way along for lunch, which itself was a nice relaxing occasion by the lake.   Then we came home and I went out with friends from work. I hadn't been sure if I was going to show up. It was partially just a get together, partially cause a guy is going away for a couple months ( on course, but in a different place than I'm going to be)  I kinda like this guy. He's not the typical guy I work with,  funny, smart and intelligent.  He would be the last person to make fun of me for reading a book.  A couple problems. 1) we work together, and as we all know I've sworn off work relationships.  2) he's friends with a girl I really don't get along with, and her fiancee. And sadly enough, I will hold it against him in the way that I don't want to be THAT girl. Besides, I don't think he even realizes I exist outside of work ANYWAYS, so I'm not going to flatter myself to say that he notices  me or would care if I've already written him off.  In ANY case,  the night was fun,  with drinks, jokes and some UFC action on the big screen.

Yesterday I had just returned from the first dog walk of the day, and was about to cook breakfast when my friend from the hike on Saturday asks me if I wanted to go for a walk with her, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's friend. I said sure, tossed my dog the half cooked bacon and  got ready for a walk.  ( again)  It was fun, through the city, along paths I've never taken. With conversation free and seemingly easy between the four of us. They even indoctrinated me into their game that includes tricksy questions and pushups. ( But I can't tell you the rules unless you agree to be stuck in the game for life)  I enjoyed it. The other guy, he was the one I had been suspecting she was trying to set me up with ( since new years) the whole thing with Sam ruined it though. Cause, well, if he was interested, seeing me with another guy probably put him off. So now, its just safe to assume we can be mutual friends for as long as her and her boy are together.

Not much else other than that, really.

Time for Milk and Cookies

I had to stop myself from going to the grocery store merely to buy cookies. I was just about to put my shoes on, when common sense took hold and told me, no I don't need to go buy Oreos, or what have you.  So, I put the kettle on to boil and found a couple random christmas cookies behind my microwave. ( They're still in the ziploc bag my mom put them in, they should be fiiiiiiiiiiine.

So, This week has been long and tiring and friday couldn't come fast enough. Though mainly 100% because of  work.
Monday comes along, and the day was going fine, I was wrapping things up, waiting for my  computer to shut down when my boss came in.  I had to drive someone to the airport. So, two hours over time.  On the plus side, I didn't let that sway me, and took my dog for a run afterwards, and saw two very cute boys running too. Passed by them twice, though they checked my dog out more than they did me.  :P
Then Tuesday comes along. Woo.  My boss had told me I could come in two hours later, so I did. So, the day starts. I'm Working along, minding my own business when who walks into my office? POMH. Yup, the one and only. We sat and chatted for about 45 minutes or so. And I think I'm over him. I mean, we got along fine, we always have. There's an easy familiarity between us,  we've  always been like that.  But, in any other way? Didn't feel a thing.  Score one for the good guys?
On the other hand, I ended up staying six hours over time for work that night.  I'm still exhausted and paying for it.

Wednesday, nothing real big on the guy front.  Though those cute guys from my run? They showed up at my work and I nearly burst out laughing. I don't think they recognized me though, without my yoga pants or dog...  The rest of the day was busy,  though I got out of there on time.  
POMH had come back and mentioned everyone was going out for wings and beer, he grabbed my cell number and said he'd call me.  I wasn't too worried about it, cause I was exhausted, so when he didn't call, I was already in bed probably, wanting to sleep.

Today was alright. Again, a lot of work,  I didn't have a boring moment at all. The morning I was out doing my thing, and had Mr Deep Voice with me again.  His ex apparently works for the same company as us. I think I know who it is, but I don't care enough to really investigate enough to put it together.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but work. No.  Damn it, I just gave him a nickname though, didn't I?
Boss made me call POMH today, there was something at work cause he's going away, across the country and I'm never going to see or hear from him again.  He asked me if I was going. I told him I wasn't, and he didn't believe me. He also apologized for not calling me last night. I told him I wasn't too bothered by it.  I didn't end up going.

Random observation. I've started watching Dexter. And I found I really identify with his sister. I like her a lot,  and her love life was really starting to look like mine  ( if you haven't watched the first season and want to, ignore this) until she found this funny, smart, caring guy.  And I was a bit envious, of a fictional character, cause I liked being to "feel her pain"  only... he turned out to be a serial killer.  They're still together, cause she doesn't know, but haha, yeah as messed up as I am, totally.

My Tea is brewed though, so I'm going to  go relax and  drink it with some cookies.

Last Single Girl On Earth

I know I'm not, logically.  But sometimes it feels like I am, in my small world anyways. I can turn full circle and  I know only one other girl who's single. And she bats for the other team, has had some very serious relationships and is new to the whole game. So I think me and her are in completely different leagues here.   And, I'm not saying that I'm bitter and absolutely hating my friends for their happiness; cause I'm not. I couldn't be more happier for them, and they couldn't be more inclusive of still being friends with me, despite them all "settling down" . None of them has had an easy go of things,  in love or otherwise,  and I don't begrudge where they are at all. And a lot of the better friends from work are all in serious relationships and seem happy with their lot.   But still, sometimes it feels like I missed the memo somewhere, or I'm missing the equation.  It shouldn't be a surprise really, cause we're closer to 30 then we are to when we graduated highschool, life has sunk in, we pay bills and have car payments and some people are even saving for retirement. Some where in there,  there's supposed to be "committed relationship" .
Love isn't a NEW concept, not really. I don't know when it was invented or  popularized, but  people haven't really been settling down because of love for very long.  ( Again, read Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, its a really easy to read yet factual book on the whole concept)  People fall in and out of love all the time. Just, usually for me, it happens  quicker and a lot less messy that most people.  If i fall for a guy, its never mutual and  i'm the one left licking my wounds soon after. If a guy falls for me, I don't harbour said mutual feelings and don't feel it necessary to continue it on.  My expectation for  joined happiness is different from other people's, and where I don't subscribe to "love at first sight" I also don't believe I'm going to gradually fall for someone I have no real interest in when he is head over heels for me.
I've experimented with myself, and put myself through the emotional ringer. Looking at it in retrospect, you can make yourself fall in love with someone, I believe that whole heartedly. By the way you think and the amount of times you think about someone, letting yourself obsess over them, think about them in only good terms, listen to music about love, read love stories, have love day dreams. Put yourself out there. I do, but  I think what saves me, is I do draw the line eventually.
Plus, I'm not the most extroverted person. So getting out and talking to new people, is not my forte. Though I have been getting better at it, with my job and friends and things I've been doing.
I think, other than the loneliness ( and the realization that its been about a year since I've had sex. already! the time flies!) I hate the "Third wheel" syndrome.  I'm good friends with a lot of couples now.  I can go out with them and have a good time and all that, but really,  I don't have my own guy to turn to when there's a moment to be couply. I feel like the kid sister intruder on an older sibling's date. Not because of anything my friends do, but because of my own thoughts on the matter.

All's well though. In a couple weeks, I'll be heading out again for another course. But no monkey business on this one. I don't even WANT this course, in fact I have no interest in it at all, but I have been given it, so I have to go.  I'm going to be a general recluse on it, just doing my homework and all that, catch up on my reading on the weekends.  Then hopefully when I get back, the weather will be nice, and I can take my bike out for the season.  Who needs a man when you have the independence of the open road before you?


But my Chinese horoscope for the day is funny:
Don't underestimate your own ability to be seductive. In your mind, it might just be a casual flirtation, but someone else probably doesn't see it that way. Be careful. If you're going to play with fire, be ready to get burned.


Point taken...

Random Observations

Monday was a weird day. Not bad weird, or good weird or even crazy weird. Just... men.

So, to start it off, I get this random text from a guy with a picture and a bunch of numbers saying "I'm sorry Seth"  I ask who it is. And its someone with the same name as a guy my friend tried to set me up with. Weeeeird. I tell him that I'm not seth, but wish him luck with the apology.  Random.

Then, as I'm walking my dog, I am approached by this skinny,  teenage skater kid. He wants my opinion on something, so after giving him a very wary look, I say alright. He wants to know, "if you were dating a boy, and another boy called you cute, would you be offended?"   There's a ton of stuff I'd like to tell him, that I don't date "boys" but wait, look at the maturity level of the guys I've dated... I can't claim that.  That I am  far different than  a teenage girl in what offends me.  That he shouldn't be hitting on someone elses girl, that if she was upset, she's just asking for attention.
But instead, I answered " no. I'd take it as a compliment. But it depends on the girl"
I think that's more of something a guy would get offended about, if their girlfriend was told she was cute by another guy. Or not even offended, maybe some radar going off,  maybe you would want to  slide your arm around her, let him know she's taken, or watch how she reacts. Maybe you should compliment her later, just so she knows you value her too.
Hey, that's just me.

Then, back to work: Tuesday was alright, though  it had a plethora of guys to casually flirt with. That guy I mentioned dreaming about? He had to come with me to do something for work and of course he's in a nice suit. For the morning,  we joked back and forth; He's tall, pretty decent shape, older ( not old old, but older than me) with one of those sexy deep voices.  HOWEVER. I swear to god, that I've learned my lesson. He's from the work environment, so nothing is going to happen. I'm so sure of this, I'm not going to even give him a nick name.

Blast from the past:  One of Jock's former coworkers and an apparent friend of Sam; I  may have mentioned him, but I can't remember. To give you an idea, His most memorable moment with me was when he told me I DEmasculate men. He's a dick head, jerk, cocky S.O.B but all  in that attractive way that just spells trouble. But, on the plus side, he's married with a kid, so no danger there - I am morally opposed to it, even if he isn't. But anyways,  he came in cause needed my assistance for something and we joked back and forth for a while. He's got gorgeous blue eyes. like. yum. We get along decently well, throwing witty barbs at one another.

I've come to this gut wrenchingly depressing yet narcissistically paranoid conclusion though. ( and as deluded as it is, it keeps me angry enough to  avoid the temptation of throwing my heart away to some work asshole) Guys, they flirt and they're nice and they joke; you flirt back, its fun but it means nothing - don't get twitterpated Bambi, cause you gotta know they don't.  With the exception of the married guys who I'm friends with, I get this skin crawling feeling that they're just doing it to get in my pants. They don't give two shits about me or anything like that. They just want to screw me. And my track record would support this; I'm perfectly eligible to sleep with, but as anything more? Nope.
Don't worry, I'm sticking to my guns.   Cause I reiterate. I've figured it out. Its not a  compliment for guys to want to sleep with you. The vast majority of these alpha dogs, they will sleep with anything that doesn't have five chins and worts on her face.
I'm not drop dead sex bomb gorgeous.  I'm normal, I realize this.  I have a decent body, though my breasts aren't that big, I'm not horrible looking, but I'm average.  I'm "I can get drunk and have sex with that" .  I'm not " i'd like to settle down with her"  or "chew my arm off in the morning" .  I'm just average, attractive enough to make another notch in a guy's belt.

And all the nice guys are scared away by my "drive" or "no bullshit demeanour". And I don't know if I can take a guy who lets me push him around. I want that push back...   Bah. Next.

So, when you're online dating... and you "poke" or "wink" at a girl, and she doesn't respond. And then you request to chat and she declines.  Take it as a hint, please.  She's not interested for whatever reason. Leave your pride a bit more intact, move on to someone else. Cause the more time you spend distracted by the person who doesn't want to know you, the less time you're looking for the person who does.

I'm going to also delve into something serious for a moment, because this came up with a friend, and I want to address it. These are tips for girls ( and guys) caught in a scenario where someone they don't want to talk to, continues to try to initiate contact.

1. Clearly state you don't want to talk to / see / hear from them ever again.

2. Stick to that statement. Don't initiate contact for any reason. ( unless its legal or work, but keep it professional and formal if that happens)

3. If they continue  trying to
a) talk to you / see you or
b)talk to your friends/ coworkers  ( in a way to indirectly talk to you) or
c) send you messages/ pictures / gifts;
record every single time. Inform your friends about it, and ask them to record these things as well.

4. Keep evidence. All of it. It might upset you, but it can help.

5. If this goes on, and you believe they could do harm to you or someone else because of you, contact the police with all the information you collected in the above four steps.  Cops DO want to help. But in order to help you with this, they have to prove a history, that the person knows they're not supposed to talk to you, and a reason why you feel they could do you harm.  YOU have to provide that to them.

6. Follow the Police advice on your safety. Vary your patterns, don't go to dark, unpopulated places by yourself. Change your numbers, change your keys, inform building security. Delete them on Facebook/Twitter/Live Journal or whatever other social site you have. AND Change your security settings!  Don't let strangers see your pictures, friends, birthdays, private info, etc.

7.  Stay safe. Stay aware. Stay Alive.

I think that might be all for today. I should probably go make breakfast for supper. :)  Oh, and to the sudden influx of people who have been reading this, thanks! Hello! Feel free to comment.

Lets try something a bit different.

Okay,

To avoid a bunch of random ramblings from me, and also me not posting for weeks on end, I'm going to try and do  regular set posting.  Every Sunday and Thursday's. If there's not much going on, I might just make it once a week, but  if there is stuff, I'll have two set days where I'll have stuff to talk about.

This will hopefully get me to focus better, spend more time on the quality of my posts, and  also give me a goal to actually write for.  We'll see how long this lasts, I usually go off and lose focus on things quickly enough.

So,  after that post about dating advice ( cause I put that as my Facebook status too)  I get a text from a guy I worked with about 4 years back, who's got a kid, and I thought was married. I hadn't talked to him in years, but he grabbed my number via face book when I said I got a new phone. Then I never talked to him again. We didn't even really talk alot at work.  He asks me if I online date. I say yes, I dabble. Then he leaves it with "hmmm........ okay"  I don't really know what to respond to that, so I don't. Then  a little while later he  continues " I was online and had you recommended as a match to me"   Yikes! What?  I try to be as low key about it as possible and was like " heh, small world, huh?"  and then it kind of faded off from that.   Cause no, he's not my type, he's a bit of a douche ( and not even in the attractive way),  has a kid... so... no.

Chatting with more peeps online. Which is a good sign, right?   Usually out of about 10 guys that I chat with, I end up meeting 1 for coffee, and usually those dates end up horrendous, but for about every 3 or 4 first dates, I get / agree a second date, and usually  it ends there.  The odds are never in my favour.  But, getting myself out there, and trying, right?

I had a couple dreams last night. Actually, a lot of weird random dreams. Nightmares, but not. More like Anxiety slumbers.   Two most worth mentioning.
The original Blondie... like, from way back last february... he was in one.   I was in this weird house party, and looking for something, and all the people there, were bad guys... and in one I got into a weird grip fight with one guy when Blondie comes up and pulls me away from the guy, and I end up wrapping my legs around him while trying to continue fighting with the other guy, but I couldn't do both, so I turn my attention to Blondie and he was slippery, like he was covered in oil, and I actually mentioned that. He responded that no, his clothing was just wet, and that was why.

Then in another dream, another guy who I haven't mentioned yet, but he's at work now that I'm back, but sparingly, because he works for a different department, so I rarely see him. Buuut, anyways in my dream he's driving a work truck with another guy, and they're in uniform and I recognize them, but I keep walking, and they don't realize its me, because I'm in a dress with makeup and stuff on.

I don't know if they really mean anything,  the subconscious is a weird mistress, I also dreamed that I was trying to get a shower, and people kept stealing the stall from me.  Heh, so whatever.

Not much else. No old flames popping up anymore, which is good.  I've doused those embers good, they're just ashes to float away on the wind now.  ( enough metaphors, I know)

I sometimes need to remind myself to keep an open mind..

Online dating tip #57 : when a girl states on her profile that she isn't looking for a casual fling, telling her you've had a bad run of luck, sex is a vitally important part of human nature and that she will be rewarded handsomely might not be the way to go about things... No matter what Karma's interest... 


And please, don't end that off with "bless you, sister" 


I've learned, through trial and error, that its no compliment for a guy to say he wants to sleep with you. Or that he's attracted to you, or anything like that.  A  guy learns at a young age how to tell a girl she's beautiful. And by all means, take the compliment and if you think a guy is good looking, return it.  Guys like to hear it as well.  But it by no means is indicative to him wanting to date you. 


I'm going to just... give up for the night. :) 

Trip was a success

Well, for the most part.

In the whole, I'm going out there on my own to do my own thing sort of way, totally. Travelled by myself, didn't talk to many people, just saw the stuff I wanted to see and all that.  Nothing so cliche or romantic  like meeting the man of my dreams.  I never, EVER get sat beside them on the plane, I always get the mothers with kids, old smelly people or random elderly women.  Sigh.  Did run into a Rugby team from Brown university doing an Irish Rugby Tour.

Had fun with my two friends, who are living in matrimonial bliss ( real life, so they have their problems, but a year and a half after their wedding, they love each other, and they're living life as they can. ) Trying for babies and paying bills and cooking one another meals.

I bought and absolutely devoured the book "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert ( the Sequel to Eat Pray Love).  I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't get it.   It was a break down and analysis of marriage through western civilization.  It was a good way of looking at things, and reading through her working through her problems and reluctancies to marry really helped me work through my own thoughts on the matter. And, a lot of my mishaps and things, I don't feel so bad about being an absolute romance disaster,  I'm not alone.

I bet you're all wondering about Sam.  Well, So that sunday, nothing happened. I sent him a text saying, so, and saying its been fun. He responded something about his Cat still being sick and trying to look after her. ( awww... ) but still,  I fear its just a line, just like all his mysterious bad luck with telephones were just lines.  And did I get one message from him wishing me a safe trip? No.
So,  I'm not even going to bother with that anymore.  This paragraph is the most thought I've put in to him since I explained the situation to my friends in England. Oh, and that 18 year Jameson whiskey that you can't get here? I saw it.  After refusing to go to the Jameson distillery, I walked by the display at the Dublin airport. And I kept on walking.  I feel a bit bitchy for it, but at the same time, I'm not wasting my time and effort with someone who can't be bothered with me.

Hmm

In the thought of being "fair" I messaged Sam on Thursday and asked him if he still wanted to get together. I told him  I was gone on wed morning, he asked me if Monday or Tuesday didn't work, I said no, so we agreed on walking our dogs on Sunday, cause we had been talking about that for a while.  Cool enough. Then I get a facebook message from him yesterday evening.  Apparently his new iPhone is all messed up and frozen on him, so he has to take it back to get it replaced today. He's not sure how long that will take. 

So, I'm just going to assume the worst, Date isn't going to happen.  And I wont see him before I leave, which is a bit of a blessing, cause I do have a cold sore right now, its small and all, but its still not super attractive to know a girl has a cold sore.  And where as I'm a bit disappointed, I can't say I'm really upset with him having to cancel.  If its true; well hey,  if its his only phone, he needs to get it replaced. If its not, meh.  

I was going to give him the "ultimatum" when I got back, not even an ultimatum. I was really just planning on saying, "hey, this isn't really going anywhere, so I'm going to cut my losses." or something about the effect. But, maybe this is a clean break. It ends without any major animosity, I get a two week refresher, and bam. I come back and tackle the dating scene all over again.

Just a boring ole update

Hey! I'm still around.  I noticed that yesterday, or today, I had 71 views. Holy cripes, that's probably a record amount.  Not sure if that means anything,  someone has morbid curiosity maybe.

So, I remember again why I have no time for Jock. we chatted for a bit, and then he was suddenly all " My life sucks better than yours" So I just  said, "oh, I'm sorry" . I let it die naturally, I don't think it will happen again.

Only a week and a bit till my trip. I can't wait, I have my new passport,  flights booked. Really should look into booking some hotels, but I'll get around to it. Really.

Went on a date on Wednesday with Sam.  It was nice, I had a really good time with him, as per usual. We spent 3 hours just sitting and talking. I had suggested something different, new, like a comedy show, but all he wanted to do was wings and beer. Fine with me, it was fun enough. One of his cats has cancer,  and that's a tiny bit of the reason why he's been flakey, I'm sure. Not sure what else. He brought up ( during a story) that he "hasn't been getting laid on the weekends". I dunno why.   But, I'm not putting much into it. I'll go and hang out with him, maybe do a little bit of making out at the end, some flirty texts, but I'm not sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for him to text me back... we actually chatted back and forth most of the day Thursday ( I also went home sick that day, but that's not important) and we actually migrated on to talking about personal things, like favorite bands, colours and movies.

Watched "This Means War" today with a friend. I don't want to spoil the ending, its a good movie, I really enjoyed it. Funny, witty, two cute guys, some action ( on several levels.)  I definitely recommend it.  I will agree that the ending is a bit of a let down, stupid hollywood cliches, but it doesn't totally ruin the movie.

Nothing else really new on the relationship/ personal life/ guy front 

I feel like a bitch...

I really do.

Sam  messaged me yesterday morning :

" hey, sorry I took so long to respond, this weekend is super busy, how's next week look for you?"
then
"and I have a question about your training."

Me:

"I dunno, I'm pretty busy, I'll have to check later. What's your question?"

No response since then.  I want to see him again, cause he's fun, but at the same time, I don't cause of all this b.s. and the fact that seeing him again would definitely not work along the lines of getting over/ letting go of him.  I'm going to leave it a couple days.  I think I shocked him? Or pissed him off? I don't even know.  Enough that he didn't end up asking me this question he wanted to ask me.  Part of me just says "fuck him"

However, I messaged Jock last night, to apologize for having not responded for like a month. I felt like a hypocrite. Said sorry though, and said I just really didn't have a lot to say to him, cause my life was pretty much status quo. He's not home for another month, but apparently he doesn't even want to go home.  This guy, who has to live by his family, doesn't like travelling other than to visit the people he knows,  doesn't want to go home. I don't even get it.  I'm going to give it a little bit before I respond, I'm not trying to start any sort of thing up with him again. I just felt like a mega bitch.

POMH is apparently  on his way back,  I have him as a friend on facebook, but I've unsubscribed from him, so I don't ever get any of his updates. But, one of the guys was talking the other day and mentioned it.  Well, at least they aren't all going to converge on me at once.  I won't be around for Jock and Vinnie. And I highly doubt POMH will bother me.  I'm safe.

My horoscope said I was to have an interesting romantic opportunity last night. Didn't happen. It also says flirting on line or in person today was going to pay off. Probably not going to happen.  Oh, and a date at home tomorrow is going to be beneficial as well. . .  None of that is going to happen. I don't know why I even read that shite anymore.  Seriously.  Apparently 75% of Aquarians don't completely have Aquarian traits... I mean, wtf? so maybe that says something.

Went out to breakfast with my dad. It was a surprise, I had just woken up when he called, so I quickly got dressed and stuff.  It was nice. I had someone to bitch about work too, yet again. :)

Winner takes it all

Okay, I'm not lying this time.  Really, I am actually giving up. Well.. moving on. But I'll digress, and explain why, for posterity's sake.

After my discussion with Sam. It wound down to him saying where he is really turned on, and it is really hard, he does really want to see me again. So I responded... " you have any date in mind?" 

That was saturday. Its now Wednesday night, and I haven't gotten a response. I haven't messaged him since. I've caved ( or had a reason to cave and invite him out) every other time since, so I'm just going to leave it. 

I did a tarot reading, and it started really good. Said where I was right now, and my goals, and my desires were spot on, and I am destined for good things. Then it said the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Then it said essentially  that I was going to have to let go of what I've got in order to move on, that I will get what I want, but I have to perform a catharsis essentially.  

But, hey, I don't make decisions on that kind of thing. 

No, I make decisions based on the never ending cycle of  Sam not putting out the effort to see me that I am to see him.  He's a good guy, and I'm  not thinking ill of him. He's just not in the right place right now, as he says.  He just got out of a long term relationship, and who knows how much time he spent single before  getting into it from his marriage. So he's out doing his... guy thing.  

Bad timing on my part.  I said I wasn't going to pressure him, but a little bit of effort is needed. I would like to think I'm not high maintenance, but after a while, I would appreciate someone telling me they actually would care to hear from me. 

So, I'm washing my hands of it.  If he realizes he wants to see me again, he's going to have to contact me.  He's going to have to arrange it.  I would like to think that I deserve a guy who actually wants to be around me,  I deserve someone who WANTS to be with me, and  tries to... woo me. 

I asked a guy friend about it. He didn't want to answer me for fear of upsetting me. But he finally just told me " when a guy loves a girl, he can't wait to talk to her every day" .

Thanks. Its not just me, being a girl.  There are guys who actually think that way too. 

Nightmares = Dirty talk?

 I slept in today.  700  am rolls around,  and I'm in the midsts of a dream:

Sam was bringing me back to my place , but it was really, really messy, and I was a bit self conscious about it. He followed me upstairs, where I really wanted to take a shower for some reason, so I  got undressed and hid behind the door and said I'd see him later.  He said okay, and I was about to get in the shower, when I realized I didn't want him to leave, I was a bit scared to be alone, and wanted him around. So I ran out of the bathroom calling his name. But he was already gone. He left my front door open though, so, naked, I close it then go back upstairs to the washroom. Where I get attacked by an evil little creature like the ones in "Don't be afraid of the Dark" .

I woke up to the song "Gotta be wrong sometimes" by OAR, cause that's my ring tone, and Sam was calling me... I just stared at the phone, really confused till my cat bit me, thinking it was time for me to get up and feed him.  So, groggily, I sent Sam a text, saying sorry I missed your call, if you intended to actually call me.
He didn't. But, after I told him he woke me up from a nightmare, he told me I needed some ways to "relax" . And that's when he started talking dirty.  Lol.

I dunno. At least he's horny and thinking about me? I told him he was tempting, but I couldn't help him out with that. He says he knows, and he respects that...

Maybe I'll look up my dream, and see what it means. Other than my subconscious telling me he's not going to be around when I need him.

Still not sure...

So, valentines day... well, Sam did message me.  And we text'd back and forth for a while throughout the day.  He didnt have a date, he was babysitting for a friend, so said friend could take his wife out.  Sweet. I went home, watching some Walking Dead, ate some Fat Burger and then watched the new The Thing with my little brother. I can't complain, really.

Yesterday was an alright day at work, and it zoomed by relatively quickly,  Sam suggested we meet at 530, which was awesome. And we ended up actually getting something to eat, cause neither of us had an opportunity to eat beforehand.  So, he was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, which looked pretty good on him, but me? Well, I had decided I wanted to look good. and spent a fair bit of time going through my wardrobe trying to figure something appropriate out.  I ended up choosing a high-waisted pencil skirt and a top that has a bit of cleavage, with a push up bra. After we got our tickets, we get to the restaurant  and he takes me coat and stops and stares at me for a moment,  then says how I look -really- nice and that he totally underdressed. I just told him I don't mind dressing up a bit, after spending most of my waking hours dressed in  asexual frumpy clothing.  It was a fun time, we spent flirting and joking as we had drinks, food and dessert. I had thought for a little bit, maybe I should have dressed down, right...  but oh well, can't go home and change.
We went back to the theatre and  got our seats just as the movie was starting, he actually grabbed  my hand   and held it through the entire movie... well,  pretty much on my leg. It was a nice, graduated level of intimacy, our fingers laced, him rubbing  the inside of my thigh every so often,  playing with the hem of my skirt ( its a long skirt, so it wasn't much above the knee). I went to the washroom a bit into the movie, and realized. Hey- I wanted to look good. The look he gave me,  was very telling. I wanted him to see me and think... hey, that could be mine...
When the movie was over, he walked me to my car, it was cold out, specially when I'm in a skirt ( granted he didn't even have his jacket closed, but we kissed in front of my vehicle for a couple minutes, until I was shivering like crazy and he told me to get in the car. He had to walk across the parking lot, so I offered him a ride, and drove him to his car, where we kissed more. But a truck came down the lane way I was blocking and he left quite quickly.
I get home and check my phone, he had apologized for the quick departure. I told him it was fine, cause of the truck, and he said something about him also leaving cause of how turned on he was. Not only from all the contact, but because of how I was dressed. Said seeing me "got his blood boiling"   Then he asked me if he went too far. I told him I would have stopped him if I didn't like it, and that I trusted him to understand and follow my limits, but I could try to be more clear about it, but he said no, he understood.  He mentioned a couple more times about wanting to see me again on multiple occasions.

I'm not trying to manipulate him to get my way, I don't know if that's what I did. It was unintentional, ish.  I wanted him to find me sexy, attractive, pretty even. And that worked.  I don't know what's going to happen, to be honest, we might just end up driving each other to our wits end.

Oh, and I think I'm clear? No news is good news, right? Haven't heard back from the doctor and its been almost two weeks. Here's hoping.

I hate this...

You know, I realize that this is a rant, and really I'm just upset cause I'm always emotionally drained from hating my job at the end of the day, and just wanting something GOOD in my life. But, I'm going to lay it out there, just in time for Valentines Day.

No, I don't really subscribe to the commercialized bullshit, and really if I was in a relationship, I don't think I would care too much about it. And its only in the last couple years that its really bothered me at all. In fact,  I can't really remember actually caring a whole bunch about it. Last year I was working and away from home, but with friends who were also working and away from home and previous years I always had a friend or two who was single to hang out with, or I'd be working.

But this year, its actually really bothering me. Why? Cause I've never had a valentine.   Ever.  I mean, when we were kids we used to exchange those cards, but EVERYONE got one then. I had 20 valentines by default.  But other than that? Nope.  And its all well and done about hating it because we live in a society that is dominated by everyone and every thing telling you that there is something WRONG with you for being single, and Vday is just another day that twists that bitter knife in your usually content existence.  Or, hey, if you've been in a relationship  for multiple V-days, or have a significant other that tells you they care on a regular basis, maybe you don't NEED to be forced to show your dedication and love on this day. Hell, I agree whole heartedly.  It means so much more if someone independently does something to show they care, or that they're thinking about you, in my romantic mind anyways.

But. And maybe just for this year, I'm going to admit something. I want someone to be my Valentine. I know its not going to happen. Really,  at all. I'm probably going to have another miserable, boring day at work, come home and watch gory zombie movies by myself. Unless my little brother is around, then probably the same, but with him.  Why? Cause  I have horrible timing, cause I'm the only one of my friends that's single this year,  cause something makes me unlovable in a "nonplatonic more than friendship " sort of way. ( Don't get me wrong, I have tons of friends, and they are awesome, and I love them all for it. But they all have their own lives. They have their significant others, and really, have more to do than hang out with me all the time. I need a guy, a significant other, who where he's a completely separate being with his own life,  will send me a message or call me up or take me out and let me know he was thinking of me.)

So, whereas yes I believe that Valentines day is completely commercialize and a money grab, a way to make money out of love and force people into doing something they should do themselves; and just one more grain of salt to the wound that society cuts into you when you're single, I want to subscribe to it, at least for a year...

I just want someone to love me... or at least explain to me what I'm doing wrong.

Thursday is cancelled. The wine tasting thing, anyways.  My friend's boyfriend couldn't make it, and she couldn't get another date,  and I really am not feeling the whole Sam thing, specially not on a day like today, when he went 4 days without even talking to me, then after I confirmed he was good to go, he says yes, but doesn't respond other than that, when I ask him how its going. I'm honestly debating just letting it die off, specially if I don't hear anything from him tomorrow. But as I write this, I've sent a message telling him that Thursday is off, and he's interested in doing something still, he asked if I had something in mind... I told him I didn't, that my brain was fried and I was not having a good day...  He bothers going out and spending time with me, but he doesn't seem to care to think about me at all in the down time. Its that... do I even exist when I'm not around, mystery?

Maybe just dinner and a movie. And, really... I'm at the point where I don't really... care.... Cause I don't think he's going to turn out any different than any of the previous ones.

The week is flying...

I needed to read back to where I had left off, but now I know how much you all know, so I can provide a good run down...

Saturday night, I get a text from Sam. Asking if we're still on for sunday for lunch and a movie. I'm super, super confused, but say yeah sure and we agree to pretty much the same thing we had for saturday.  Upon getting home from wherever I was, I  reread my texts and realize he HAD said that he wanted to push it forward a day, cause he was sick, not cancel it. My bad. Its what I get for reading the text at 6am with a hang over while half asleep.

Sunday comes along, and I meet him at the movie theatre. He looks good as always, and he buys the tickets to the show. Then we walk over for lunch. It was a good lunch, we were talking back and forth, enjoying the conversation.  We talked about work a bit, about his soccer game ( which he went to  the night before, after sleeping off being ill), and also about our dogs.  Apparently his parents were dog breeders, so he grew up in the show circuit, and thus knows a fair bit about the whole dog training bit. It was nice to ask him some questions and listen to him talk about his dog, which he clearly cares a fair bit about.
Then we went to a movie, that for the life of me, I can't remember what it was we saw. It was good, he bought popcorn and stuff too. We sat at the back... but didn't do anything in THAT way. In fact, the whole date, we were both clearly holding back. I wasn't sure what he was comfortable with, with him not sure about anything serious, and I guess he wasn't sure what I was comfortable with, having said it wasn't going to get physical. But, he walked me back to my car, and after making me promise to score him a goal and win my game, kissed me. A nice, subdued kiss, specially after the one on my birthday, right?
I didn't score a goal, but my team won.

My friend asked me yesterday if I wanted to go to a wine tasting with her, her boyfriend and inviting Sam. I was cautious at the idea. One of my guy friends had said it was a weird thing to do to a guy on a date, make him hang out with my friends, and wasn't too sold on if I should have even invited him out to my birthday. But, I took a chance and asked him. I told him I would treat him  and he agreed to go ( not cause it was on my dime, I told him that after, of course) He said he would get the next one. Sooo, he's not planning on stopping this any time soon.  He said we did need to arrange a doggie play date, but that he was busy over the weekend and this week. So, I don't think I'm going to hear from him till  after V day ( or on it, to arrange the wine tasting). I guess it removes the wondering if he'll want to do something with me on that dreaded day of forced, commercialized romance.  I don't think so. I think its going to be another valentineless valentine's day. Which, really, I guess I'm still dating someone this time a year, which is a big step up. I think I was away on training last year for work. I'm just going to give him his space.  Today is actually the first day I haven't been doing something after work, too. So  I'm going to take the time to relax. :)

And, I got a message from Vinnie,  who was just checking up on me I guess,  and saying he was going to be back in town around the end of March. And I was soooo happy to tell him I probably would not be in town around that time.  Happy that I didn't have to lie about it, anyways. Gah.

Oh, also on monday, I went and got blood work done. And hoping I don't hear anything back this time around. Cause that means I'm in the clear. Fingers crossed.

Where to start...

Its a rollercoaster... and I don't know if I'm on the downward, slow easy descent before the end, off the ride or on the upward slow climb of anticipation. 

It all started yesterday. Sam and I were talking about our date, then joking a bit and suddenly the question of what I was looking for in a guy came up. Or, more specifically him.  We had just Thursday agreed to be forthright and honest with one another, so I couldn't really come out and avoid it. I told him; that I hadn't wanted to bring it up, because it is rather early in our dating and I realize that he's just out of a relationship but I wasn't looking for just casual sex. My end goal was something more serious. He said he hadn't wanted to bring it up either, cause he enjoys spending time with me but he didn't want to lead me on.  Ouch. So I said, I understood, he's not looking for the same thing. Sam then says he doesn't know what he wants.  We go through a bit more hashing it out and we seem to be okay,  we know where each other stands, that I won't be getting any more "physical" than I had been until  he decides, and we were still going out today for lunch.  Heck, we'd be at a movie right now if that had happened.

But, I digress. He had said he felt bad, and I said it wasn't really his fault, it was something I expected, though hoped it would be different, that it was a bit of a slap to my ego, but that was my issue not his. 

Then today at about 6 am, he texts me that he woke up feeling like shit and he needed to cancel so he could "OD on nyquil and sleep it off" .  I was half asleep and hung over from going out dancing with my friends ( and sleeping on her couch) when I get this, so I typed off some sort of agreement. Later on, I  texted him I hoped he got better and to let me know if he needs anything from me.  Its very likely that he was telling the truth:  its going around, I've even been feeling under the weather all week, he has no reason to lie....

And I have decided to accept that, but on the other hand:

Maybe he doesn't want to see me again, cause now its weird and complicated.

" ... " cause now he knows he's not getting some

"... "  cause now he needs time to think about it.

And even just typing this out. I know I've given the whole "I'm not ready for a relationship" Speech when I'm not interested at all in a guy. So, the future is uncertain again. I don't think I'm going to have any plans on V-day. But hey, baby steps. I had a date on my birthday. I've never done that before. And he spoiled me, truly ( and bought my friends dinner as well. Which, even my friend's boyfriend has agreed is not 'casual dating' behaviour.)  

If things are going to work out between us, they will. But I'll only make matters worse if I pressure this guy and  give him ultimatums. And really, I don't even know if he's really relationship material, I love spending time with him, but maybe its me just enjoying being out and dating and being with someone who seems to get me. And at this moment,  I do some times feel completely disconnected from my friends, like there's an invisible barrier. Not because of anything they've done, or even really me, I just feel... insubstantial in this place . And, as he is a bit of a bridge between where I was for the past several months and here, i'm clinging to that. 

I have some more vacation I need to take, and as this whole thing is up in the air with Sam, and my friend hasn't gotten back to me about going to Florida, I'm thinking of going to visit my other friends in England. And explore Ireland by motorbike, and maybe a bit of scotland ( perhaps again by bike)  I'm going to put in the request for the days off on monday, and once its approved, I'm probably going to be booking my tickets.  Why? Cause I need to get the hell out of dodge,  and I'm actually inspired by this book I'm reading called The Hunt for Puerto del Faglioli by Paddy Tyson. My trip wouldn't be as epic as his was, but... it'll go nicely into my adventure book. And its been a year and a half since I've seen my best friends in the world. Oh, and if the whole Sam thing doesn't work out, my friend's husband ( who is also my friend) is getting the nifty cufflinks I've ordered.  Cause I really don't know any other men who wear cufflinks, who's birthday is coming up. 

Oh! And I thought I saw Snowboarder at the gym on thursday. But when I stopped to talk to someone else, the guy I think I thought was him walked by, and wasn't him, but looked similar. So I don't know if I actually saw him, and if he saw me in my yoga pants... No, not lulu lemon. The cheaper but equally talented in making your ass look amazing brand you can get at Costco.

The book

Ups and Downs

Yesterday came. Its a bad time of month, first off. I hate my job at the moment ( and it was a really slow day), I'm getting sick... so I'm grumpy. But, it was the 1st of Feb, meaning Sam's text allowance was restarted! Yay!  So I text'd him. .  .   Nothing.

Now,  by that evening, I was a tad bit upset. I mean, I could understand sat and sunday, he was busy. I don't need instant gratification. And hey, monday maybe so. Maybe he wanted to wait. By tuesday, I was like okay, he's just waiting till tomorrow so he can text me...  And then when he didn't even reply to MY text, it was like... what the hell? What did I do wrong? What happened between Friday night and today that made him not want to even talk to me again? Is it still with his girlfriend? Is he with another girl? Did he sit down and think about it and realize what an idiot I am?  Maybe he got freaked out cause of his recently ended relationship?  I felt, like I had fallen into that same trap that I always seem to fall into. The guy just really wasn't interested. But this guy didn't even have sex with me first... no, he just... What is it about me that makes me undateable?  In any case, I realized that  maybe this all wasn't going to be good, so I cancelled my purchase of those tickets and told myself I was never hearing from this boy ever again.  I went to bed pretty damned low... ( My horoscope told me I would be emotional today, and to wait till I felt more grounded and in better spirits before making any major decision. So I did)

Got up, feeling a bit better, but still a little depressed. I was driving to work, felt my phone vibrate but didn't even bother getting excited about it. So, I  got into my office, settled a couple things and looked at it, expecting a message from a friend... it was him.
Apologizing for no response, saying that his new text plan didn't start till today.  And we chatted back and forth most of the day. Till about 1830 tonight, actually. Now,  I'm not completely over this and forgiving. I mean,  I know guys don't think like girls, so maybe the no response thing didn't seem that horrible to him. And really, its not like we're in a relationship. I would just like the common decency of getting a reply back from something.  But who knows, to him  it was an honest mistake.
It did help give me a healthy dose of reality though. I have taken a step back, splashed some water in my face. I like this guy, and maybe he likes me, maybe not. But  I have to prepare myself for the fact that he doesn't, so I gotta keep a somewhat steady head in on this...

We got to talking about how guys are all assholes ( he brought it up, not me) and I said they all aren't just out for sex. and he said "well, maybe not in your experience" at which point I said " no, no, my experience agrees with you, but I hold out hope that some guys are different"
He smiled at that.  Then it evolved into neither of us liking head games and both of us aiming for being honest. So I can ask him anything I want and get a straight answer. and vice versa.  I was tempted to ask him what we were doing... but  knew that I wasn't ready for the answer, and maybe he wasn't either. So, we'll keep it casual for now, and go from there...

Date # 4 ( ooooo... 4 dates, with no sex. I'm like... a grown up) is Saturday, for lunch. His choice where, my treat. :) He promised to be good.

In other news, I found a new comic I like. its called "Girls With Slingshots" . My social life is very similar to the main character's, Hazel... I even have red hair... weird, eh?  Its amusing in any case... lol.

Not much to talk about.

I haven't heard from him since friday night. :( It depresses me. Maybe he IS waiting till tomorrow so he can text me.  Or maybe, he's done?  The uncertainty is killing me. I dunno.  I just know I  check my email to see if I have a facebook message from him, and every time my phone goes off, I hope its him, but it isn't.

In other words, I'm settling into my job. I'm not... content with it, but I'm able to do it more and more competently. I need to make sure I don't get depressed and just settle into a slump of doing my job and keeping my head down. All the work I did the last several months would be for naught.  If I have to do this for very long though, I would seriously be tempted to quit and be a stay at home wife.... cept I don't want to have kids, and getting a guy to date me is hard enough, let alone in a relationship...

I'm working on  trying to get a present for Sam for V-day. Tickets to a team he really likes, that's only here for the one day. The day is the day after V day,  and I'm hoping that we last that long, and that he doesn't already have tickets or plans for that.  If so, I guess I could just go to the game, cause I'm a fan of the home team. Take a friend with me. They'll cost me almost $200 per ticket, and I'm buying two. I'll tell him he doesn't HAVE to bring me...  and considering what he's forked out for my birthday, already, its a small price. Closer to, I might look into getting him some nice cigars? Maybe some... I dunno... what alcohol goes well with Cigars?  We'll see. If it all turns out.

Song came on my iPod today that fit my melancholic -but upbeat at the same time mood:
Heavy Heart